Ahoy there anal explorers! Today on Sex Ed Saturday we are going to explore the wide and wonderful world that exists inside of your anus. This week we are going to talk about lube, pegging, and of course that everybody poops! So join me, your posterior professor, for this sphincter seminar.
For our first and very necessary butt stuff fact I refer to a beloved children’s story, Everybody Poops. Rumps are for pooping; that is just how it works. Because of this fact, poop is an inevitability when engaging in butt piracy. Listen, I am not saying you’re dirty, but no amount of soap or enemas can prevent the appearance of poop on whatever you have jammed up your derrière. As an adult engaging in a good rear entrance rogering, poop is just something you are going to have to accept and move on from. Shit happens, get over it.
So it’s time for a scary word: enemas. Most younger folks experience with the word enema ends at that blink 182 album that came out in 1999, Enema Of The State. Or, alternatively, it made an appearance in some weird porn you stumbled on in college that made it feel like you needed brain bleach after, but fear not! I am going to make enemas and douching not scary! First things first, do not try to improvise an anal douche. Just don’t do it guys. Buy a quality one, you will end up spending like 20 bucks and as long as you clean it (it’s going in your ass don’t be nasty) it will last a long time.
Now to use an enema/douche you need to take a poo; don’t force it, take your time, and then wash up a little bit after. To prepare the enema fill the bulb (because let’s be real the bulbs are less scary than the big scary bags) with warm water, not hot or cold, warm, and put a little bit of lube on the nozzle. Now for the TMI bit, my sources (which are definitely not a particularly adventurous night in college) found that sitting on the toilet and then gently inserting the nozzle made it way easier to get it in. Now you squeeze the bulb and make sure that you don’t release the bulb while it is still in your poop chute. If you release it you are sucking poo water into the bulb. Then you just take out the nozzle and play Pokémon go on the toilet for like 5 minutes and then do what comes naturaly. That’s it; not super scary. The trick with enemas is to make sure you aren’t doing them too often, I would probably max out at twice a week so you don’t irritate the walls of your colon.
Now you have the cleanest booty in all the land and you are all set to jump onto something vaguely phallic, but wait there’s more! Repeat after me folks: butts do not self lubricate. This is the real world not fanfiction and there is always time for lube. ALWAYS. Lube is separated into three (that’s right 3 not 2) categories: silicone, oil, and water based.
Now I don’t know about you, but when I am going to the fudge packing plant I am all about silicone lube. Silicone lube is condom safe (fun tip using condoms even with your toys makes clean up 1000% easier) and lasts longer than water based lubes, which makes my hindquarters into a veritable slip n slide. My preferences are either sliquid (which is hella allergy safe and gentle) or gun oil (which stays slippery for fucking EVER). The downfall of silicone lube is that it is a no go with silicone toys (although to be frank I prefer glass for butt plugs) and they can be a pain to clean up because they have a residue that’s, well it’s oily.
Water based lubes are also A+. A water based lubricant has the advantage of being safe for all toys and having easier clean up. Water based lubes like silicone lubes are condom safe. The disadvantage of water based lubes is that humans are veritable sponges and absorb the water in water based lubes; so you will need to reapply (sort of like sunscreen). For a water based lubricant I am once again a huge fan of sliquid ( really their whole line is fantastic).
Oil based lube is not something I can recommend highly, because it can not be used with condoms. Oil based lubes however are an option for people in long term fluid bonded relationships or when playing with non latex toys. Oil based lube is the slipperiest in existence; and is good for long scenes because of that. The drawback is that you are going to be slippery for days, as clean up is a bitch.
You know what isn’t sexy? Taking something that looks like the thing we give children medicine in, filling it with lube, and shooting it up your ass. You know what I am going to suggest you try at least once? Yup! You guessed it! A lube shooter. Look, real talk a finger poking lube into your anus is not going to get very much lube inside of you. A bit of weird prep work will go a long way to a smooth encounter of the anal kind. As American Pie taught us “you gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick the turkey in”, you can not just lube up and go to town. The sphincter is a muscle and it needs to stretch. A few fingers or a small plug can go a long way to an enjoyable experience for everyone involved.
Oh no it appears I do not have a penis attached to me! How did this egregious oversight happen? Whatever ever shall I do!? That’s right folks: pegging! Pegging is when a person who does not have a penis wears a phallic object and their partner rides it like a very enthusiastic cowboy. Pegging is especially fun for individuals who happen to have a prostate. Pegging doesn’t make you gay, liking people of the same gender as you makes you gay, not what happens to have been up your fanny.
Speaking of things that you have put inside of your buttocks, let’s talk about things that don’t belong in your back door. We have all been there, we have all gotten drunk and wandered around our houses and opened the fridge and started looking at the vegetables funny. Don’t do it. Ok fine you can do it, but put a condom on it first to avoid microtears. In all honesty you shouldn’t put things up your butt that are not meant to be up your butt, but if you do! Always put a condom on it and hold on to the end. If you do not hold on to the end you will be the hilarious story some ER nurse tells all of their friends.
There is nothing wrong with taking it in the ass. There is nothing wrong with eating ass (although I would definitely recommend a dental dam see last week’s Sex Ed Saturday!), and there is no reason not to put it in your consenting loved one’s behind. Use lube, remember to stretch things out and above all else communicate with your partner and listen to your body.