Sex Ed Saturday: Virginity And How Ladies Do The Do

The concept of virginity and how to do the do amongst same sex couples, and in particular same sex couples where everyone has a vagina is confusing as shit; so let’s talk about that.  I personally have no idea when I lost my virginity, it could be anywhere from like 13 to 16 because I have no idea what constitutes a sexual debut when no one has a penis.  

Now my first full on girl on girl incident that wasn’t just terrible kissing with way too much tongue (don’t act all high and mighty no one was a great kisser in 8th grade) was in fact awful.  Being a child growing up in the internet age I did what everyone did when they didn’t know how to do something I googled it, I googled how do lesbians have sex way back in 2004.  So because there weren’t all of the awesome feminist and queer positive resources that we have today I only got one sort of result, pornography.  Now, anyone who has a computer has seen lesbian porn, it is unavoidable on the internet; and unfortunately it is woefully inaccurate.  That’s right ladies and gentlemen, 13 year old me decided scissoring was the way to go.  So, a stolen six pack of mikes hard lemonade and some poor decision making skills later i sat red faced and naked next to my girlfriend with a severely bruised pelvis and no Idea where to go from there.  

I will be 26 by the time this makes it to the internet (happy birthday to me) and I have learned a lot since that first awful attempt at scissoring.  Along the way of my figuring out how to do the do I met a lot of adults who gave me some helpful information about how to not get sick, and how to make sure that I was ready, but they didn’t tell me the actual mechanics of how to have sex with someone else who has a vagina.  

Everyone gave me the same bullshit advice: “just do what feels good”.  You wanna know what isn’t helpful? That phrase.  I didn’t know what a gspot was until a high school teacher got fed up with the curriculum, went off the rails, and told us.  I didn’t know how to find my gspot until I googled some very inappropriate things in a school computer lab.   I remember a secret hushed conversation with a cousin about how people had sex when I was in like 5th or 6th grade outside of gymnastics, but there was no discussion for id there was no dick.  Everyone knew how gay men had sex, we all made jokes about it; but lesbians? No fucking idea.

I have learned that in fact no one actually scissors as their preferred method of engaging in some vagina on vagina fun time.  When I was growing up older queer women didn’t talk about that they gave uncomfortable speeches about how to stay safe and that was it.  Lesbian porn for the most part is in fact produced by men, for men and the bulk of the actresses, while lovely don’t actually have sex with other women when not on the clock.  I was bombarded with advice for what to do if there was a penis involved but I know women at my age and older who still don’t know how to make their own body and bodies like their own feel good.

No one ever told me that some of the most satisfying sex of my life would be frottage, or two bodies rubbing against each other, that rubbing against someone’s thigh is a 100% valid way to have sex.  Nobody warned me that if people have those awful long nails shit is not going to go my way, that long nails can cause micro tears along the vaginal canal that can lead to infection and death.  I had the importance of using dental dams drilled into my head, I was even taught how to make my own out of a condom but I had no idea what to do when actually faced with a vagina.

When you’re queer,  the concept of virginity/ your sexual debut becomes infinitely more complicated than if your relationship had the more conventional mix of genitalia.  Is the line oral sex?  Is the line fingering?  Is it the inclusion of various sex toys and complicated things?  Or, is the line between fooling around and having sex a connection and sense of emotional maturity?  This question is one that you will have to answer for yourself and maybe you will never sort out when you actually started having sex.  However you are having sex be it frottage or a terrifying strap on shaped like a dragon’s dick (ps who even made that decision) it is completely valid and 100% the right way for you to be having sex.

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